I keep walking, walking until I get tired.
Finally, I pick a spot, inside the forest.
There is a bench, I chose to sit on.
There are no people,
Only me in the forest.
I love this feeling, the loneliness.
It’s kind of weird thought since I always hate being lonely,
But somehow this feeling of loneliness comforts me.
No,
I take a deep breath,
I feel again,
It seems that it doesn’t comfort me anymore,
Disappointingly.
But not surprisingly.
Empty,
Is this what people usually feel these days?
Emptiness inside?
Am I feeling like majority of people?
I couldn’t admit, neither deny.
I am watching the trees,
Some with leaves on, some without.
Today is a day with no cloud,
Clear day,
Good sign.
But,
I just wonder,
Why the wind is so strong?
The fall season is here,
It’s known that the winter is coming next,
Soon, really soon.
I won’t describe the weather today as “cold”
Outside.
However,
This less-likely “cold” freezes me,
Inside,
Honestly.
I close my eyes,
Tightly.
Take another breath and listen,
Wind sounds instrumentally.
This strange, beautiful voice,
Which I’ve tried to forget, to avoid, to erase from my life,
It recalls me of a night,
when my parents and me were watching an opera show on television,
I was 6 years old,
My parents, they used to be happy together,
Their funny sounds of smiling blend onto music
It bounces back to me like a heavy drum sound,
“Dong”, “Dong”, “Dong”
Suddenly, I feel the wind stops playing her sound.
I open my eyes,
It’s silent.
​
There I see,
A bush of deep yellow grass in front of me.
Are they still alive, or almost dead?
I come to touch
They’re cold, cold like a piece of ice.
But, I see they are breathing,
They are moving,
They are even whistling to my ears:
“How are you feeling today, my friend?”
“Sorry, I can’t tell you!” – that’s what I cruelly response to their kindnesses.
I called them my friends, but I can’t share with them my emotion.
Conflicted? Am I so conflicted?
I then close my eyes, again,
Take another deep breath, again,
But not again, I change my mind.
I start talking to them.
I take a small piece of chocolate from my backpack
to boost up my courage,
It tastes sweet at the very beginning,
And ends up with bitterness inside my mouth.
I ask my friends, Grass: “do you want to give it a try?”
They politely deny my offer:
"could you, instead, share your feelings with us?”
They silently wait for my response.
“I feel nothing, my friend!”
By the mean of “nothing”, I truly mean it.
“Sad, I am not feeling sad.
Lonely, I am having many friends here around me, so no.
Depressed, I am doing certainly well at school and work. I won’t say that.
Everything and everyone seem to be fine to me,
The only person who isn’t nice to me is myself.
Grass, I hate myself.
I only admit this to you, only this time,
So please keep it as a secret.”
I know they will keep a secret for me, like a good friend.
“We promise.
Topic changed, do you want to hear stories from us?”, and they start their conversations.
I love their voice, so softly and peacefully.
It’s been an hour
weather gets colder as time passes.
I have to, unfortunately, say goodbye to my friends, for now.
I wish them all the best and promise that I’ll come back,
Soon, really soon.
Since then, I know I will keep my promise.